Why I Believed I Deserved To Be Abused. (By the way, No One deserves to be abused!)
I Got Flowers Today — Author Unknown
I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry. Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only, I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers...today.
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I got a copy of this poem during my stay at the DV Women’s Shelter over 20 years ago and have kept it all these years and it survived through all the moves I’ve had. When I first read it, I cried my eyes out. It shook me to the core then and it still saddens me whenever I read it. Obviously, it had a huge impact on me.
When I first got to the shelter, I told the counselor that the abuse I experienced wasn’t so bad, there were enough good times to hang onto, and that he really was a good person inside but had problems with lots of anger and trauma. I remember being told, “everyone says that. And let me guess he’s sent you gifts and flowers and apologized, right? He showered you with lots of affection too, right?” I was like “Yeah, how do you know that?” Of course, they knew. Not only they were educated but also they actually heard this ‘typical’ story over and over being told by abused women.
I was married to my son’s father for 13 years before I fled to a local DV Shelter. I’d like to say that the abuse didn’t start right away, but the fact is he was abusive from the beginning. But I told myself that his behavior was caused by me. If only I didn’t cook the food he didn’t like, if only I didn’t wear something he didn’t like, if only I didn’t talk back, if only…...then he wouldn’t have been angry, he wouldn’t have hit me, etc. He once told me he had to “train this wild horse.” referring me to a wild horse that hadn’t been tamed. From the beginning of the relationship, there were red flags that I wasn’t educated about enough to know. You can read about the types of abuse in a separate blog post.
This prompted me to write this blog, bringing to light the darkest part of my life that kept me in an abusive relationship for so long. This is NOT the only reason I stayed but one of the biggest reasons I did. (I’ll write about “Why women stay in an abusive relationship” in a separate blog, so stay tuned for that.)
Before moving on, I want to warn you, and I’m aware what I’m about to share here is a sensitive and controversial topic and probably brings out strong opinions. I just know that God is a God of forgiveness and mercy, I hope and pray that it reaches the right people who need the support and encouragement.
The biggest self-blame….
It wasn’t too long after we started dating that we moved into an apartment together and soon, I found myself being pregnant. Though excited, I was also scared. I felt like I was too young to have a baby. What would my parents say? When I told them about my then-boyfriend earlier, they stopped sending me money and told me to come home. I rebelled and stayed in the U.S, which meant I had to find a job and start making my own money. I was here in the U.S with a student visa, which meant if I didn’t go to school, I had to leave the country. He said we should just get married, so you could stay here and raise our family. That made sense, so we did, no wedding, just at the courthouse. I didn’t even tell my parents because I knew they would be angry. I rebelled. So many things were so wrong from the beginning, but I was young and immature. Looking back at it, there were lots of red flags in the relationship, too but I wasn’t educated on what abuse was and certainly didn’t know what I was experiencing was “abuse”. So we got married. But here is the thing….. After contemplating and thinking, making a long story short, I decided to get an abortion. (Gasp!) I thought about adaption and other options, but I just couldn’t come up with any other solution, I wasn’t ready to be a mom, I had no one to turn to, I was already scared of saying anything against him and his desire, I just felt so stuck and alone. I know….this is a very controversial and definitely not very pleasant topic to talk about. And, believe me, I did NOT want to share this with the world. I’m not proud of what I did. It’s been over 30+ years, yet, I still think about it to this day and sometimes it still brings me to tears. I carried this shame and guilt for all these years.
The abortion itself was and is traumatic, full of shame and guilt. On top of that, I lied to him. I knew he would go crazy mad if I told him I had an abortion, so I told him “I had a miscarriage and had to go to the hospital.” Of course, he didn’t believe me. That very night I had an abortion, he punched me, kicked me, screamed at me, saying, ”You’re lying! You, f-ing b**ch!”. All I could do was to say “I’m sorry!” and curl up in a ball to take the punches and kicks, (mind you that I just had an operation from which I was bleeding and had to be resting in bed instead of being a punching bag.) After this incident, for about 2 or 3 months, I kept lying to him about the “miscarriage” but he kept asking me “It’s a lie, isn’t it? I’m not going to get mad, so tell me the truth.” Every time he asked me, I said “miscarriage”. But one day, after being constantly questioned, finally I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer and my feeling of guilt was eating me up, so I confessed. He promised me he wouldn’t get mad, but he did get angry. But as soon as he started screaming, I said, “YOU told me you wouldn’t be mad!!” and fortunately he stopped at that time. But it was just the beginning of blaming and all the abuse that followed. But you know what? I believed I deserved that violent treatment and his anger towards me. I thought to myself I was a terrible person to lie to my parents about my marriage, to have an abortion, and lie about that, too! So naturally, I (believed) was punished by God and deserved to be treated that way. I kept telling myself that and blamed myself for his violent behavior and treatment for a long time. I told myself then, that I had to pay this “debt” to him somehow. Yes, I felt like it was a huge debt I owed him. I had to prove that I loved him and was sorry for what I’d done. I know now that this thinking is skewed but that was what I thought and believed so for the next 13 years, I carried this guilt and shame, tried and tried to keep the marriage together. I went back to church and turned to God and prayed and prayed, too. Things went up and down, like a roller coaster ride that kept going until I finally left after 13 years with a child. In the end, I heard a voice in my head, “Enough is enough!”. And I thought to myself, “Do I have to pay back with my life? This is it, I’m done, I can’t do it anymore.”
This isn’t easy for me to share. This isn’t something that I’m proud of. It hurts me to this day to talk about it. As I write this, tears fill my eyes for a baby who didn’t deserve to be aborted. I feel very sad and deep remorse. I also feel sad for the woman who felt like she needed to stay and repay the “debt” and felt stuck. I wish I could go back and take it all back, not get into the relationship in the first place! But I can’t change the past, can I? What’s done is done, I can’t change it.
So….why am I sharing this very personal story?
First, this darkness had to come to light by sharing with others. Even after I started sharing my story about the abuse, I left this part out for a long time. Yeah, I couldn’t talk about it, I was too ashamed. I convinced myself this was irrelevant and didn’t need to share such a personal experience. I was afraid of judgment I probably would receive from others, especially from some Christian community. I remember during the court hearing, his lawyer mentioned this incident and said he couldn’t be blamed for being violent because of what I did. I remember how I felt when she brought it up. I was afraid that he would bring it up again and say what a terrible person I was when I started sharing my story of abuse publicly. By keeping this part under the darkness, it’s given Satan the foothold to torment me for a long time. But God convicted me that this needed to come to light. I repent of my sins before God, and this is no longer in the darkness. I admit what I did and repented, Satan can’t use this against me any longer.
Second, I want to emphasize that abuse is NEVER your fault, even when you believe you had done unthinkable or unforgivable things like I did. Yes, I had an abortion, did I deserve the abuse? Some may say yes, but I say NO. There are women who cheated on their husbands and felt they deserved the abuse. Some may say Yes, but I say NO. No one deserves to be treated as a punching bag. No one deserves to be disrespected. We’re human, created in God’s image. (Genesis 1:27) We deserve the dignity as everyone else. Yes, we all make mistakes. We all have done something we’re not proud of. The Bible says that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). But God forgives us when we confess our sins (1 John 1:9). Dealing with our sins is a separate issue, abuse is NEVER your fault.
Third, don’t carry the burden of guilt and shame on your shoulder, give them all to God. I have confessed my sins and asked for God’s forgiveness and now finally I believe and know in my heart of hearts He’s forgiven me. But for a long long time, I didn’t. I knew it as head knowledge, but I really didn’t believe in my heart I was forgiven, I had to repay somehow so I kept trying in my own power. I carried the burden of guilt and shame and it was heavy. I know it’s easier said than done. I really didn’t know how to “give it to God.”. But finally, I was able to surrender. To me, “giving it all to God” means surrendering my desire to somehow self-punish by hanging onto the things I’ve done wrong, it means to trust God fully and accept His love and mercy and let go of all the heavy burden I’ve carried. It means to accept God’s forgiveness so that I can forgive myself. It means to lay all the guilt, shame, anger, resentment, etc off my shoulder and let them go, let God take them, he can handle them and he doesn’t need my help.
Fourth, don’t keep it to yourself and struggle alone. As I said earlier, it was a heavy burden to carry for me. I struggled with depression and anxiety, my body and thoughts were constantly in a fight, flight, or freeze mode. Many people, especially those who are abused struggle with this, you’re not alone. Share with someone you trust and ask for help. And above all, be sure to pray. God is right there ready to help. When the help comes, be sure to accept it. Some women really struggle with this, I know, because I'm one of them. I had a hard time accepting help from others, I thought I should be able to handle and deal with such situations on my own but I realized a long ago, I can’t do it alone. God sends help in different ways, accept it with gratitude.
As I mentioned earlier, I was afraid of being judged and criticized by sharing my own personal story. But I know God has spoken to me gently nudging me to do so. I believe He said to me “My daughter, you didn’t go through that terrible experience in vain.” Since His first nudge, it took a while, but I’ve become a Women’s Empowerment Coach and Abuse Recovery Ministry leader. I hope and pray that more victims come forward and speak up without fear and find the support and encouragement they need to live a life without being bound by the chain of abuse.
If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse, please share the resources page and my blog posts with them and let them know they are not alone.
Thank you for your love, support, and compassion for those who are going through or have gone through abuse.
God bless <3