Am I being abused? What is domestic abuse?

I hear a lot of “oh, he’s not physically violent, so I’m not really abused.” or “it isn’t that bad, as long as he’s not (angry, drunk, on drugs, in a bad mood, etc) he’s a nice guy.” 

I used to think that too. Even when he was violent physically, I used to think I caused him to act that way. Well, I’d like to first say, abuse is NOT, no, NEVER your fault. 

In this blog, I’d like to share the types of abuse that you want to be aware of.  Whether you are wondering about it yourself for your situation or someone else’s, it’s always good to educate yourself about this.  Disclaimer: I’m not a professional psychologist or therapist.  (I’m a certified facilitator for the Abuse Recovery Ministry, a women’s empowerment coach and a survivor). Please know that this is for your information only and if you’re in immediate danger, please contact 911, and/or seek professional help.  

Domestic Violence is referred to physical violence: like hitting, punching, shoving, kicking, choking, biting, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, pointing a gun, intimidating by any type of physical force, denying someone medical care, forcing drug/alcohol use on someone, basically any type of physical violence on someone. 

These are pretty obvious, right? No one should be violent towards another human being. But there are signs that are not so obvious but could be as or could even be more harmful and deadly to a person than physical violence. 

Of course, domestic abuse includes domestic violence/physical violence. Domestic Abuse is all about power and control over the victim and it is definitely not only about physical violence.

Here are other types of abuse that we all should be aware of and it is important to know that 100% of abuse causes emotional trauma & scarring. 

Emotional /Psychological Abuse 

*invalidate, belittle and/or deflate you of your sense of self-worth and self-esteem

*constantly criticize you 

*attempt to make you feel crazy and play mind games 

*make you question yourself 

*stalk, follow, use GPS or spyware to track you

*text or call you frequently to track you

Verbal Abuse: 

*name-calling, put-downs, abusive jokes, yelling, making threats, 

*silent treatment, 

*blaming you for everything, 

*shaming

Financial Abuse: 

*making you financially reliant, 

*controlling all the money and making you account for every penny,

*taking money away from you what you earn, 

*prohibit from working so that she becomes completely dependent, 

*deny basic needs, 

*hiding or keeping the money in secret,  

Sexual abuse: 

*unwanted/unconsented sex/rape (yes it can occur even in a 

marriage relationship), 

*multiple and repeated affairs, 

*sexual jokes and put-downs,

*sexual name-calling, 

*withhold sex or use sex to manipulate and control you

*pouting/being angry when you deny sex,  

*physical violence that is followed by forced sex

Spiritual Abuse: 

*misusing scriptures to manipulate and control you, 

*keeping you from attending church or bible studies, 

*questioning your understanding of the bible or belief,

*lie to the pastor to make you look like the one with problems 

Property/Animal abuse:

*throwing things around and breaking things, 

*slamming doors, 

*hitting walls and/or tables, 

*driving erratically to scare the victim, 

*getting rid of, kill, harm beloved pets, 

*getting a pet you are allergic to purposely, 

*showing more affection to the pet more than to you

I just want to reiterate that just because your partner handles the money, for example, and asks you questions about what you spend doesn’t mean you’re abused.  You have to use your common sense to determine whether or not you’re abused. If you’re questioning whether the treatment you’re receiving is abuse, that’s a big red flag and it probably is. Domestic abuse involves not just one type of abuse mentioned above but multiple. A person who abuses you physically, most likely verbally, emotionally abuses you too. Remember, domestic abuse is all about power and control.  

I just want to be sure that you know you’re not alone. There are many resources out there, utilize them.  Darkness loves secrets. Don’t keep it secret. That’s the beginning of breaking the cycle of abuse. 

For Domestic Abuse Information & Resources please see Resources