Why Women Stay in an Abusive Relationship
One of the questions I’ve gotten asked quite a bit in the past is “If the abuse is so bad, why would you stay?” I remember one time I contacted a lawyer consulting about the possibility of divorce due to abuse, he said “If the abuse is so bad, just leave.” and worse, he made me feel so small and not worth his time. It was obvious that he hadn’t dealt with divorce with abuse. Needless to say, I didn’t hire him.
I don’t think the question “why would you stay?” is unreasonable. In fact, it’s probably in the mind of so many people who witness their friends or family member who struggles in an abusive relationship. But I know it’s not helpful to ask a person who might be going through abuse, “why are you staying if the abuse is so bad?” and I hope you don’t really ask that question to a person who’s going through abuse. (instead, read on ;) )
I wrote about one of the biggest reasons I stayed in an abusive relationship in the previous blog. But I wanted to write some more about this topic because this question of “Why would you stay?” comes up so often.
Before moving on, first I have to get this out: why women stay is complicated. I cannot possibly state here every reason why women stay in an abusive relationship. It’s not that easy, like I said, it’s complicated. So when I mention some of the reasons here, please keep in mind that it is not just one reason why they choose to stay.
So why would anyone want to continue in an abusive relationship?
Here are some reasons I’ve experienced and learned.
Fear: Probably the biggest reason is fear. Fear of what the abusive partner may do: Is he going to come after me, worse, kill me? Is he going to say things that aren’t true to make me the bad guy? Fear of the unknown: what’s going to happen to me, to kids (if any) when I leave? What’s going to happen to him? Is he going to come after me? What if he accuses me of the very thing he did to me? What if, what if…all those mixed fears can stop a person from taking necessary action.
Low Self-Worth/Self-Esteem/Self-Confidence: Abused women are beaten down, belittled, manipulated so much, they start to doubt or even lose their sense of self-worth. They might be told, “You’re worthless without me.” “You can’t do anything right.” over and over again, of course, the brain starts to believe that is correct even though it is not. They may feel they need the abusive partner to survive and lose a sense of self-esteem or confidence. They become very much co-dependent on their partner and feel helpless.
Children: Oh, so many women want their children to have a father even if that very father may be abusive. I did and still believe children deserve to have both parents in their lives. BUT not at a cost of abuse! Even after I left, I said to others that he (my ex) was a good father and would never hurt our son. When I was going through court hearings for divorce, there are several things the judge said that stuck in my mind, one of which is “Good father does not abuse his wife, a mother of his child.” That struck me hard. It is true! Please keep this word in your heart!
Skewed thinking: As I shared in my previous blog “Why I thought I deserved to be abused.”, I thought I owed him something. I don’t know what, but I thought I deserved the treatment because of what I did. I was ashamed of what I did but also I was ashamed that I was in an abusive relationship. Many women feel ashamed, embarrassed, feel guilty, blame themselves for the abuse. We all know it’s not their fault but when you’re in that situation, you may be feeling it is. And here is one that looks really crazy to an outsider: some women actually fear that the violence might escalate to the very thing we fear the most - death. So she might just stay and get beaten up rather than risking the possibility of being killed if she left. I know this sounds crazy and skewed thinking but it is real. I felt that sometimes, so if anyone is feeling like that, you’re not alone!
Angel syndrome: I heard this word first at the shelter while learning about abuse. Angel syndrome is when a woman feels like she is there to help and love him with the hope that he would change someday. She might even feel she was sent by God to help the abusive partner through “unconditional” love. Ha! I totally thought this too! Many abusive people have rough and/or traumatic childhood or background and many women feel sorry for them and want to help them. They might say “God wants me to stay to help this man. God can do all things and God will use me to help him.” Though the intention is admirable, NOT at the cost of being abused! And God definitely is NOT an advocate for violence.
Financial: Many women are not ‘allowed’ to have a job outside of the home, some are not even allowed to drive and they just don’t have access to the money needed to leave. Many abusers limit financial access to their partners so that they can keep a tight rope around them. (power and control!) So naturally abused women don’t feel like they can make it on their own without him and feel they have no choice but to stay.
Isolation: One of the abusive behaviors includes isolating the victim from her friends and family. Many might have been told, “you either take your family and friends or Me”, so that the abuser destroys any of her friendships and even ties with family. Not only that, others may feel uncomfortable around violence and withdraw from them, which causes isolation as well.
The Lack of support from family and/or friends: This is related to the isolation stated above. As an immigrant myself, I didn’t have any family close by. I personally felt that I shouldn’t bother my family and friends and didn’t want to burden them with my problems. (I’m pretty sure many feel the same way.) So in a way, I didn’t seek support from family and friends until the end. I’m so glad I found the support I needed after I left through my church and the shelter. Many women are not aware of the services that are available to them and may feel trapped and unsupported.
Cultural Pressure: This definitely played a role in my situation. Nobody in my (known) family was divorced. I grew up in an era when divorce was still a big no-no. I know in fact, in Japanese culture where I grew up, patience “gaman” was a virtue even when it was uncalled for, like abuse. No matter what, you tolerate (gaman) and live through it. If you didn’t, you might have been called a coward, and/or you put mud on the face, meaning you’re dishonoring or you’re a disgrace to the family. Ouch, right? But some people still believe that. I grew up in a very traditional family in Japan. I felt so ashamed for becoming a divorcee and did not “gaman”(tolerate) enough.
Religious Pressure: Since I am a Christian, in addition to the cultural pressure, I had a belief of “God hates divorce no matter what.”. Not only that, “family” was and is part of my values. I told myself “I vowed before God to take this man as my husband and through thick and thin, I have to be there for him.” and felt like I had to stay because of the commitment I made, no matter what. After I had my son, I went into a deep post-partum depression and saw a psychologist. There I did share a glimpse of what was going on at home. He said “your value is backfiring on you.” meaning that my belief of “keeping the family together no matter what” and “Divorce does not please God.” was keeping me in an abusive relationship I should have been getting out of. I still believe God hates divorce but that’s because He knows the pain it causes. God truly understands why divorce can happen and there’s a time when it’s needed and we have to set appropriate boundaries.
Hanging onto the good times and denying the abuse: You know what? People don’t choose to be abused. Women who stay in abusive relationships didn’t consciously choose to be there. People get into relationships because they are attracted to each other, because they like each other, because they have good times with each other, right? Well, it’s also the case with abusive relationships. It’s not always abusive. There are times when he showers her with lots of affection, they have a great time together sometimes and enjoy each other’s company. So women want to hang onto those “good times” and minimize or even deny the abuse. They just want to be with a guy they fell in love with, a guy who they thought he was. I get that, but hanging onto the good times and minimizing/denying the abuse could keep her in the relationship for a long time.
As I mentioned earlier, this is just a few reasons why women stay in an abusive relationship. It’s not representative of every victim and situation. But these are common reasons that come up again and again, and I believe it is helpful for people to understand why it is so difficult to leave. It is already hard enough to make this difficult decision to leave. On top of that, many women do not speak up because of fear of judgment and criticism by others. I can totally relate.
(Oh by the way, if you are having thoughts of “I miss him” “but I love him”, and still hanging onto the good times, I don’t usually recommend this….but when the memories of good times that make you want to go back come back to you, don’t entertain that thought of going back, instead remember the abuse done to you. Are you willing to go back to that? Think hard on that. If the answer (I hope the answer is) NO, then change the channel and start thinking about something else. )
There are many advocates for the victims of abuse, but we need more people to be aware and show compassion and concern so that they can have a voice to speak up without fear of judgment and criticism and live a life without abuse!