Am I Subconsciously Attracting Abusive Relationships?
The other day, one of my coach friends asked me “Miki, knowing that our thoughts create feelings and that lead to action and bring results…. when it comes to DV, how do you explain this? Abuse is not your fault, is it? But then how does the brain bring about this result of getting into an abusive relationship? It really doesn’t make sense to me.” She, of course, knows me and what I do as a women’s Empowerment coach and Master certified Neuro-coach, so I so appreciated this question.
This is a great question (thank you, Emi, for asking this great question!) and she’s right, it really doesn’t make sense since nobody thinks “Yay, I think I’m going to be in an abusive relationship today!”. But stay with me here, even though we don’t think “I’m going to be in an abusive relationship” consciously, there might be some subconscious beliefs that may be pulling a person to such relationships.
First and foremost, let’s establish this fact: Abuse is NEVER your fault. Got that? NEVER.
Again, what I’m about to share is not to blame you nor judge you for the abuse you received.
Ok, now that’s out of the way….you know, many women who experienced domestic abuse are afraid that they might repeat the same mistakes again and some, in fact, repeat, not just once, but multiple times. Why do some people seem to attract such a relationship? Or rather why do some people gravitate towards a person who may be abusive or narcissistic? Are they choosing that kind of relationship?(No!)
Before moving on, I’d like to share some basic neuroscience studies I’ve learned: As we go through life, we start to form beliefs and identity through things we experience from the beginning. We start to learn what’s right and wrong, what we like, what we don’t like, form beliefs through stuff our parents, grandparents, teachers said, etc. They are stored in our subconscious minds. Approximately 95% of the decisions we make daily are made in the subconscious mind. So that means all the beliefs we have formed subconsciously make a huge difference in what we do daily, and that means we’re not even aware of some decisions we make. Another thing I’d like you to remember is that the brain wants to keep you safe and familiar even if it (whatever the belief is) does not serve you well.
So knowing this (what I said above)……then why do some women get in an abusive relationship, to begin with? How do this “Your thoughts create Reality” fit in with this? As I learned about the brain and the relationship between subconscious thoughts and reality being created by subconscious thoughts, I had this same question and asked myself “Did I choose to be with an abusive person? Was I wired to be that way? Am I doomed then?”
Well, ok, so I admit, I’m not a brain scientist, nor brain coach, so I’m not claiming to be one so if you’d like to know more about the science of the brain, you’d have to go and google or ask someone who is. But from what I’ve learned, I know that I did have some subconscious beliefs that pulled me towards a person who had traits of an abusive personality. And here are some possible scenarios:
She might have:
grown up in a home where her self-esteem was constantly attacked, and where she was judged and criticized constantly. This can cause her to have a distorted view of herself. She might think “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not valuable enough.’ “I’m not lovable.” “I’m a helpless case.”.
grown up in an abusive home. As is with growing up in critical and judgmental home, because of the abuse, she might have convinced herself that she’s not worthy, not valuable as a person, and her needs are not important. She probably also learned that she’s not capable of making the right decisions and be independent. (Abuse causes all these emotional/psychological damages to a person.)
grown up in a culture where a man was authoritative and domineering: this is from my experience. I grew up in a culture where a man (father) in the house making important decisions and be an authority figure was normal. I loved and still love my late father. And I never saw my father being abusive to my mother. However, he was the man of the house who was the authority. When we had arguments in the family, what he said went. He had the last word. (At least that’s how I remembered) I was used to this type of environment. It was normal for me to see a man take charge. In a healthy relationship where there’s mutual respect, that may be ok to have someone take charge but in an abusive relationship, that’s lopsided.
grown up in a home where her parents were absent. It’s possible that she didn’t receive the love she needed. She might have blamed herself for not receiving love, might have thought “I’m not lovable that’s why they (parents) don’t take care of me.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m worthless.” “Nobody loves me.” And also may feel abandoned or have fear of abandonment due to absence of parents or someone she relied on.
As you can see, the past experiences that were out of their control as a child have a lot to do with the thoughts that are created and stored at the subconscious level. The common ground seems to be the belief “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not valuable.” “I’m worthless or helpless.”, not being able to like or love herself, blaming herself for what happened, all of these cause them to be unhappy overall.
Remember I said that the brain wants to keep you safe and familiar earlier? In this case, her brain is trying to keep her in a place where it’s “safe and familiar” by choosing a partner who treats her in a way she was treated as a child, all the time. Ah, I just heard you say “Safe? That’s not safe!”, you’re right, it’s not safe to be with an abusive person! But the brain doesn’t know that. The only thing the brain knows is that, as she grew up, she repeated “I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, I’m not good enough.” etc through all the experiences she’s gone through, so it (brain) thinks “ok, she repeated those thoughts, that must be true!” and stores them in the brain. This is all happening in the subconscious mind. Have you heard of women saying “My husband is just like my father!” whether in a good way or bad? Well, that’s because the brain sees what’s familiar in the person. Think about it, if you’re used to be treated in a critical and judgmental way, you would see it as “normal”, wouldn’t you?
So the bottom line is what you believe at the core can influence how you deal with life including choosing a life partner.
Now, with those negative thoughts & beliefs in the subconscious mind, what kind of a person would she be attracted to? When the pain of the past is still lingering inside and but healing hasn’t taken place, then the deep-rooted beliefs of “I don’t deserve to be loved, I don’t feel worthy, I’m not accepted, I hate myself, etc would ‘manifest’ itself in a relationship unknowingly, wouldn’t it?
Again, I can’t say this enough: Abuse is NEVER your fault. And also, I want to be clear that just because you grew up in the household mentioned above does NOT mean that you’re doomed to get in an abusive relationship. There are many who grew up poor but end up being super rich, there are many who grew up in an abusive home, yet created a very happy home and relationship. So please don’t lose hope!
What I wrote above about how our thoughts affect our decisions is a separate issue from abuse that we all have to deal with.
Many of the negative thoughts are hidden in the subconscious mind and we aren’t even aware of them. And some of those thoughts/beliefs are leading you to the reality that’s not so pleasant without being realized.
The good news is that they can be made aware of this and be changed! I used to think I’m a helpless case and I was who I was and couldn’t change it, but then I realized that that was also one of my negative and limiting beliefs! Revealing and dealing with those life-long accumulated negative thoughts & beliefs is like an onion layer, ya know? One layer is peeled off, and the next one shows up, and the next one and the next one…. They keep coming. But what’s exciting is that it’s possible to change and be transformed. God set us up that way, we should utilize the brain God has given us for our advantage. God calls us to be set free, let go and heal from the pain of the past and choose good things: be loving, be kind, show grace, be merciful, to ourselves!
I’m so glad that I’ve learned the process of subconscious reprogramming and with God’s mercy and grace, I am well in the healing process. I’m super excited to share this healing journey with you and help you start loving yourself unconditionally so that you too can step into the life you want and deserve! How? Well, join this 5-Day Negativity Detox Challenge which you can start right away! And if you want to dig even deeper, you can enroll in GRACE Academy. (https://mikisturges.com/graceacademy) so that you can get started right away.