How to Stop Beating Yourself Up!
“Dang it! I did it again! When am I going to learn? How stupid!”
“I can never achieve perfection..., I’m just not good enough!”
“Why am I always procrastinating? So dumb!”
“OMG, I yelled at my kids again! I gotta be the worst mom ever!”
“I’m just too weak to say “no”, what a loser I am!”
“I’m so worthless…”
“Once again, I failed at….., I’m a hopeless case!”
Hello? Have you said these words or something similar to yourself before? You might be apologizing all the time for something you don’t need to apologize for, you might be feeling like a failure every time you do something that you believe had to be done differently or even perfectly. If you said, “Never”, good for you! You’re in the minority. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I know, many (if not, all) women have experienced this negative self-talk one time or another in their lives.
I’m not going to write about why you might be talking so negatively about yourself in this blog, except to say, that we live in a fallen world and we all have sin-nature which Satan loves to use and distract us from being the very person God desires us to be.
Have you noticed that when you encountered a moment of so-called “failure” which you believed it to be, you tend to repeat the scenario over and over again in your head? You tend to keep re-visiting the scene over and over again, right? Maybe not all the time, but especially when the situation caused you to feel such strong emotions like embarrassment, and shame, even anger or sadness, it sort of keeps coming back at you, doesn’t it?
Well, that’s because we, humans, have something called “negativity bias” where we just focus on more negatives than positives. This is similar to a situation when you did great on 9 out of 10 projects but focus on that one project that didn’t go well. You just focus on that one negative and ignore the 9 positives!
Anyhow, you know what? I could confidently say I’ve mastered the skill of beating myself up, you could even say, I’ve earned my Ph.D. in beating myself up. LOL Kidding aside, I had no idea how much of this I was doing to myself! We tell our children not to bully anyone, yet we can be such a bully to ourselves! As I dove into rediscovering myself and get on the journey of healing, this has changed and decreased tremendously, but I’m only human, I’m still very mindful of how I handle my self-talk.
So here are some ways that I’ve used to help you stop beating yourself up!
Give yourself LOTS of grace, I mean LOTS, and be patient! God gives us grace even when we fall short. It doesn’t do any good to dwell on what’s done. You know the say “It’s no use crying over spilled milk”, right? Instead of dwelling on the past and beat yourself up, ask yourself, “what can I learn from this? How can I do better next time?” and tell yourself “It’s ok, I learned my lesson, and now time to move on.” and make sure to be patient with yourself too as you move on.
Think ‘Gratitude’. What good do you see in the situation where you’re beating yourself up? When you start beating yourself up, say or write down what you’re grateful for, not just in the situation, but anything in life. In other words, distract your brain to start thinking something more positive rather than focusing in on the negative.
Shift your perspective and talk to yourself kindly. Remove yourself from the situation for a moment. Look at yourself from someone else’s eyes. Imagine “you” as someone you love deeply, like your parents, your child, or your spouse. This “you” is beating herself up, what would you say to her? Would you beat her upside the head? NO, right? You’d say “Hey, it’s ok, don’t worry! Don’t beat yourself up!” or say something encouraging, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t be so hard on someone else, why would you be to yourself? So shift your perspective and be kind and loving to yourself.
Lower your expectation of yourself. I bet you want everything to be perfect, don’t you? I know! I was one of those people who wanted everything by the book. My own mother told me that! LOL But I failed….not just once but over and over and over again. Do you know why? Because perfection is an illusion! It does not exist (except God is perfect I believe.) So know that perfection doesn’t exist first, and then, set your expectations low, be realistic on this one, and as I said on #1, give yourself grace!
No comparison! You’re on your own life journey. You’re created uniquely and wonderfully. You are YOU, amazing creation by God. God is perfect and He does not create damaged goods. My mother used to say this to me: “You are you, so don’t mind what others do!” Did yours say the same? I used to always compare myself with others and beat myself up - “why can’t I do this like so and so…”. I still do sometimes which I try to stop myself - I have to do this consciously otherwise I go spiraling down in the rabbit hole really fast! So believe me, you don’t want to go there, so stop comparing yourself with others and tell yourself “I’m uniquely and wonderfully made and there’s only one of me in the whole world! I’m super special!”
Have an affirmation or mantra ready to say when you start beating yourself up. Be prepared to combat your self-bullying by having an affirmation or mantra to repeat to yourself. Remind yourself how special and amazing you are, you’re not defined by your mistakes, you’re worthy and loved. You’re an amazing woman! If you need something to get started and want examples, you can always grab my 32 affirmations & worksheet .
Well, what I’ve mentioned above are all part of self-love! Giving yourself grace, patience, love, and gratitude are essential for self-love. We all need that. We cannot pour love from an empty cup, fill your cup with self-love, starting today <3
God’s blessings