What is Gaslighting? How Do I Know if it's Happening to Me?
I was once asked, “What is gaslighting?” by a person whose first language isn’t English. English isn’t my first language either and I learned what ‘gaslighting’ was after I left the abusive marriage and learned more about domestic abuse. And I found out that this term wasn’t something people talked about regularly and even people who speak English as a native language sometimes didn’t know what that meant. Gaslighting is a form of psychological/emotional abuse technique that is used to manipulate a person by making her question her memories, thoughts, events that are happening around them. The term “Gaslighting” came “from the 1983 stage play and 1944 film “Gaslight”, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights fueled by gas in their home, and then he denies that the light changed.” (source: https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/)
According to the Webster’s Dictionary, it is “to attempt to make (someone) believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation).” Well, it is missing that it is an abuse technique a person uses.
Abuse has many faces: physical, psychological, emotional, financial, sexual, property and animal abuse, as I have written about it in the “Am I Being Abused?” blog. Gaslighting falls under psychological / Emotional abuse and it is very manipulative and dangerous to the mind of victims.
So how do you know if it’s happening to you?
You may be experiencing “gaslighting” if you:
*Feel like you’re losing yourself: your true self feels like being locked up inside
*Constantly find yourself apologizing to the partner
*Not able to make your own decisions, even the simplest decision makes you feel uneasy
*Are not able to spend time with your family and friends
*Find yourself making excuses for the partner’s behavior
*Constantly doubting and questioning yourself
*Are told things like “you’re too sensitive”, “You’re crazy”, “Nobody will love you.”, “You’re worthless.” “You can’t remember anything.” etc multiple times a day
*Feel like you’re never enough
*Feel no joy, no happiness, and no hope in life
*Feel like there’s no way out. (and may even feel suicidal at times.)
*Feel like you’re going crazy
*Are afraid to say anything to the partner
How many of these did you answer “that’s me!”? I can guarantee if you’re experiencing
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, there are various techniques an abusive partner may use to gaslight a victim (I’m using the term “he” or “they” for the abusive partner(s) and “she” for the victim here in this blog but remember it can go both ways.)
Countering: The abusive partner questions a victim’s memories, even when she remembers accurately.
Things they may say: “You’re wrong, you never remember things accurately,” or “are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.”
Withholding: The abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen so that the abusive partner does not have to engage in conversation. This may be particularly prominent when a victim’s first language isn’t the same as the abusive partner’s. They probably understand her completely but pretend they don’t and tells her that her language cannot be understood. And often they’d turn it around and tell her that she’s the one trying to confuse them.
Things they may say: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”, “I never said that.” “Stop acting stupid/crazy.”
Trivializing: The abusive partner belittles the victim trivializing her thoughts and opinions. He mocks her, totally disregarding her feelings.
Things they may say: “You’re overreacting.” “You’re too sensitive” “Can you take a joke? You’re pathetic!”
Denial/Forgetting: The abusive partner pretends to have forgotten events that happened or things being said. They completely deny things happening or accuse the victim of making stuff up, which drives her crazy and starts to make her question herself.
Things they may say: “That never happened.” “Are you imagining things again?” “You’re making stuff up to get me in trouble.”
Blocking/Diverting: The abusive partner is diverting the attention from him to the victim and questions her thoughts instead. As in denial, he denies his wrongdoing and blames her for his fault.
Things they may say: “You’re just a crazy person, you got some weird ideas from your crazy friends.” “It’s your fault!”
Remember, abuse is all about power and control. Gaslighting may feel harmless at first but as the relationship progress, it escalates and when it’s being repeated over and over, the victim starts to slowly question and even believe what’s been said to her. That causes her to doubt herself, not have her own voice, isolated, anxious, confused, and even depressed, basically, it causes her to lose herself. It’s confusing and frustrating not knowing who she is and not knowing what’s actually happening.
The thing I didn’t realize was happening was that the brain was being rewired when this was all going on in my own abusive marriage. Yes, the brain is being rewired to your detriment while experiencing abuse! Looking back at my own experience, it totally makes sense that I was so afraid to believe in myself, do stuff that I wanted to do, even after I left and was on my own, I caught myself constantly looking for permission and approval from others and doubting myself in making decisions. I had to work on myself for a long time, which included many hours of therapy and counseling but finally clicked with me when I started working with coaches about my subconscious beliefs. I believe healing is a life-long journey and getting on that journey is crucial.
Having written all of that, I think it is important to visit what is NOT gaslighting. One of the things I noticed after experiencing abuse and becoming an advocate, is that I became very sensitive to the topic of abuse and hyper-alert to people’s reactions, and sometimes even the littlest thing like a normal argument seemed like abuse. Of course, that is not the case and I know that now. But after learning about gaslighting, I thought to myself “Oh wow, I’ve said those things before! Was I gaslighting?” I’ve said things like “oh you misunderstood me. I didn’t mean it that way.” “Are you sure you remember correctly? That’s not how I remember!” or “I didn’t mean to do that.”. The chances are you’ve said them too. Was I gaslighting, the answer is probably No.
What makes it Not gaslighting then?
First, it wasn’t intentional nor malicious. Remember, gaslighting is a technique used to manipulate others and is often done intentionally and maliciously to manipulate and gain control over someone. Gaslighter may or may not be aware that he’s doing this, but the intention is the key here, it’s done to manipulate the other, and it’s hurtful.
Second, it wasn’t a pattern. When someone is clearly gaslighting as in abuse, it is pretty clear that the behavior of gaslighting is repeated. An abuser often repeats things like “You’re crazy” “You don’t’ remember anything.” “You’re making things up.” to make them feel confused and make them feel like they are the bad ones.
There are a couple of more examples mentioned in the Psychology Today article of “When it might not be gaslighting” you might want to read.
If you’re experiencing any of these or if you question even slightly that you may be abused, be sure to seek help from trained professionals. Here is a list of resources on the resources page
PS: Therapies and counseling are amazing, be sure to choose the right one for you. I’m a master-certified neuro-coach. I work with women who are out of the abuse but still struggle to find their voice, identity, hope, and direction for life. As a woman who experienced abuse and betrayal in the past, I’m here to help and gently guides you to rediscover who you are, regain confidence, self-worth, and self-love so that you can start living a life filled with joy, confidence, and hope! Book a call with me here to find out more.