Personal Safety Plan: When You're Ready to Move On
When I left my abusive marriage, I instinctively made a plan of action before leaving. Once I decided it was time for me to leave, I contacted a trusted person to seek guidance from them, one of them was a domestic abuse specialist from the police department who gave me the contact information for the local domestic violence shelter.
I’ve learned later on that it is the most dangerous immediately after a victim leaves and I believe it was the best decision that I could have made in that situation.
So What is a Personal Safety Plan?
It is basically things to keep in mind, a strategy to keep yourself safe from further harm by the abuser when you decide to leave. It is to prepare yourself to escape when an opportunity arises. I know when you feel strapped by an abusive relationship, it is very scary to even plan this. But I also know it was helpful for me to have time to plan. In a moment of panic, you may not think of everything you have to remember. So having a safety plan could ease your mind from that - one less thing to worry about.
Here are some things I did as well as recommendations I learned.
1. First and foremost, if you’re in immediate danger, call 911. If not, call a local domestic violence shelter or hotline for advice. My personal experience - I called from work at that time. Nowadays, pretty much everyone has a cell phone. If you don’t feel safe using your cell phone to call, ask if you can use the phone at work, or ask a friend. Be sure to call from a safe phone so that the call may not be tracked by the abuser.
2. Make necessary arrangements with your employer and kids’ school and any other place or person you must inform: I was lucky to have had a great job and the employer who understood my situation and granted me enough time of leave of absence to cope with the situation. I also contacted my son’s preschool about his absence while I was in the DV shelter.
3. Look for a local domestic violence shelter. I highly recommend going to a shelter. They are equipped and trained to help you in such situations and give you a ton of resources and a safe place to stay after you leave. Studies show that it is the most dangerous right after you leave the abuser, so if you feel unsafe, going to the DV shelter / Women’s Safehouse is highly recommended.
4. Prepare to leave with all of your children. I only had one child but if you have multiple children, be sure to take all of them with you. NEVER leave children with the abuser!
5. Have an emergency get-away bag in a safe place just in case you have to leave at a moment’s notice. Have the following items in this “emergency get-away bag”:
ID: Drivers License, passports, and Social Security Cards
for you and your children, permanent resident card, work permit, Birth Certificates for children (and yourself if you have one)
School & Medical records
Money, checkbooks, credit cards
Bank information & other financial information
Keys (car, house, office etc)
Medications for yourself & children if any
Change of clothes
House Deed, Rental/lease agreement
Insurance papers
Pictures, jewelry, bible, any items of sentimental value
Children’s favorite items (toys, books, blanket, pillow etc)
Personal hygiene/toiletry items
6. Be sure to have a safe contact person: a trusted friend or a trusted pastor, family member, or therapist if you have one. This should be the only person you should disclose the location of where you’re at.
7. Establish a code-word or phrase or a signal with a neighbor or a friend: I actually never did this but I think it’s a great idea that is: to establish a code-word or phrase or a signal with a neighbor or a friend so that if you’re in danger, she or he will know to call the police for you. I’ve heard of a case where a person contacted a friend to “order a pizza” (which was a code phrase) to call the police. You never know when you could use something like that.
8. Don’t be afraid to ask for a Police Escort: If you must go back to the house where he still lives, then be sure to ask for the police escort for your safety. Of course, a police officer doesn’t have all day and definitely not there to help you pack. So know that you only have a short period of time to take your stuff and get out! Since I only brought 1 week's worth of clothes and things to the shelter, I needed to take more things out of the house so I went back home to get them. I chose to go during the day when I knew he would be at work and asked the police escort and actually I had a friend with me as well. It was good to have both to make me feel safe but also, while I was packing he saw a gun and some bullets in the closet and made a note of it.
As I mentioned earlier, once I made a decision to leave, I started to make a plan secretly and made arrangements to go to the shelter. I was terrified, but the police personnel and the staff at the shelter made me feel safe and comfortable. I believe it was the best thing I did for me and my son.
For a comprehensive Safety plan checklist, you can download this PDF from Abuse Recovery Ministry Services: https://abuserecovery.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Safety-Plan-.pdf
You may also visit: Safe Horizon's Website on this topic
For more resources =>https://mikisturges.com/dv-da-resources