Are you a people pleaser? 10 Signs You’re a People-Pleaser
People Pleaser - Webster’s definition says: “someone or something that pleases or wants to please people, often : a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.”
Someone that pleases or wants to please people doesn’t sound so bad, doesn’t it? It sounds like a nice person, but the definition is written after “often” is more like what I mean. I have a tendency of a people pleaser which I didn’t even realize before! People-pleasing sounds nice, right? You’re trying to please everyone and saying yes to everything…..but it is not healthy and in most cases, it actually stems from deeper issues that the person may not even realize.
Being a people-pleaser is one of the traits that many abused women have. It is easier for an abuser to manipulate and take advantage of someone who’s a people-pleaser. So how do you know if you’re a people-pleaser?
So here are 10 signs that you may be a people-pleaser:
You may be a people pleaser if you:
Say YES to everything people ask of you, even when it’s inconvenient and you don’t want it.
Being asked to do something for someone feels good and feels “needed”, right? I get it. But are you putting someone else’s needs first and yours at the bottom of the list? Are you afraid if you say “No”, you’d be excluded or not accepted? What does saying “no” mean to you? Dig deeper to find out why you’re saying Yes to everything.
Feel burdened by all the things you said Yes to:
Um, if you’re burdened and stressed by all the stuff you said yes to. Why did you take them? Again, did you put someone else’s needs first and yours, second or last?
Feel guilty for speaking up for yourself and just pretend to agree with others:
I’m not saying you have to be rude and argue with everyone who doesn’t have the same opinion as you. No, that’s not what I mean. If you’re not speaking up or just pretend to agree because you’re afraid of not being liked or accepted. That’s when it’s unhealthy. You’re already enough, you’re accepted and loved.
Tend to say “I’m sorry!” a LOT even when it’s not necessary:
Oh how I’m guilty of this! I used to say “I’m sorry” for everything! It’s in my culture (Japanese) too, but this has been the hardest thing to get rid of for me! When I came to the U.S. my American host family told me, “Don’t say I’m sorry for everything, it’s not your fault!” ohhh, ok, I learned that “I’m sorry means you’re admitting it’s your fault.” but did I stop? No, I didn’t. It was really hard for me not to apologize. I still believe it is only appropriate to say sorry if I clearly did something wrong, but not for everything! Are you blaming yourself for everything, even for someone else’s faults? Do you fear someone else is always blaming you and you need to apologize for that? Hmmm, that’s not healthy either!
Dismiss or underrate your hurt feelings:
This makes the relationship at the superficial level, you’re always at arm’s length, not really admitting and dismissing that you’re hurt. Are you saying your feelings don’t matter, but someone else’s feelings do? Again, are you afraid to speak up about how you feel because of your fear of being not accepted or not loved?
Do whatever it takes to avoid conflict:
I know most people don’t want to face conflict, but when necessary, we have to, whether that makes us uncomfortable or not. But people-pleasers do this at all costs and really struggle standing up for themselves or for something they believe in.
Need external praises or validation to feel good:
I know it feels good to be praised or appreciated, for sure! But you can’t depend on that to feel good about yourself. Let’s see, if you keep seeking praises and validations from others, what happens if you don’t’ get them? I used to doubt myself all the time, especially if I didn’t receive them, especially when I wanted them. Nope, don’t wait or look for praises or validations, You’re already enough, you’re God’s masterpiece, you don’t need praises and validations to feel good about yourself!
Act like a chameleon:
you know what I mean! You act differently to meet someone else’s needs. It is normal for us to adapt in certain ways when we are around others. BUT if you’re doing this to please others, that is where it becomes a bit of a problem. It’s not healthy to always adapt because you want to make others happy. What about your feelings? What about your needs? Being you is the best practice.
May have a belief that you are accepted and loved only when you do something for them.:
The stuff I mentioned above is really a manifestation of this belief. This may not be the only reason, but that’s why you say yes to everything, that’s why you can’t say no, that’s why you dismiss your feeling, that’s why you avoid conflict… it makes sense, doesn’t it?
Get really upset when someone is angry at you:
It is upsetting when someone is mad at you. But someone is angry doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. That “someone” could have had a bad day and was simply taking it out on you, or that “someone”’s interpretation of whatever happened could be skewed. But somehow you just can’t stand the fact someone is upset at you. Take a step back and assess the situation. You don’t need to take responsibility for someone else’s emotions! Don’t compromise your values just because someone is mad at you.
How can I break free from being a people-pleaser?
So here are some tangible things you can apply right away to break free from being a people-pleaser:
Start taking a small step to say no. You don’t have to start saying “no” to everything (unless you want to). Just start saying no to things that really don’t matter to you at the moment. Remember, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to or have time for. You already have enough on your plate, you don’t need to take on everything!
Start setting boundaries. Know your value, know yourself, what you like, what you don’t like, what you allow in, what you don’t allow in, etc. It’s important to know these things for you to know where your boundary line is!
Start expressing your feelings or opinions in small things and build confidence. Own your own feelings and who you are! You’re worthy, you’re loved, you’re accepted. God created you perfectly. If you feel, you’re lacking something, ask God in prayer. You don’t need other’s validations, praises nor permission for you to be you!