Why Do Compliments & Praises Make Me Feel Uncomfortable?
Who wouldn’t like a good compliment and praise? No one, right? We all love to hear other’s say good things about us, right? I do! But somehow I’ve felt so uncomfortable receiving them. I used to always think people would say that just to make me feel better. You know what? I’ve found out that it is more common for people to reject other’s compliments and praises than not.
The interaction between the person who’s complimenting me and me goes something like this:
Other: “Oh Miki, you sang that song beautifully.”
Me: “oh well, I was so nervous I messed up but thank you.” (at least I said Thank you, ;) )
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Other: “you’re such a great mom.”
Me: “well, if you knew what I did yesterday with the kids, you wouldn’t say that.”
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Other: “You always look so young and beautiful”
Me: “Me? Well, you know, all Asian women look way younger than their age, not just me. And beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, right? Lol”
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See how I’m rejecting all the good compliments and praises? Just the other day, I was talking with the church organist who plays beautifully every time. I told her she was amazing at playing organ and piano. She said “thank you” but also said, “well, my organ teacher tells me that too, but you’re just saying that to make me feel better and so is he.” I thought about that comment a bit and told her that I was telling the truth; the truth was that I that her playing organ was amazing and her teacher thought it was too, but she didn’t think she was.
So why do we feel so uncomfortable receiving compliments and praises? Why do we flat-out reject them?
Deep down inside, we don’t feel we are good enough.
Ouch! I know! I know this personally. Whenever compliments were said to me, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of the compliment nor I felt good enough job to receive such compliments. At subconscious level, somehow I believed “I am not good enough.” So no amount of compliments or praises would counter that and I just couldn’t accept it as is. People who have difficulties accepting or who flat out deny or reject compliments and praises struggle with low self-esteem and self-worth. By rejecting their compliments, I was saying (without actually saying), “You’re a liar.” to the person who complimented me though I didn’t mean to. Right? Of course, we don’t mean to call those who give us compliments “a liar”, but we just have a hard time accepting it because we don’t really think we deserve such praises!
The brain says “What? That doesn’t align with what I believe!” :
This is called ‘Cognitive Dissonance’ which causes us to feel uneasy, uncomfortable and reject the ideas that are different from what we believe. So when someone compliments us while our belief is “not good enough” or “not worthy”, the brain goes “What? Is he telling a lie? I don’t believe that!” and causes us to feel super uneasy and uncomfortable. Also, we all know that the brain wants to keep us safe and familiar, that means we feel uneasy to think what we have been believing about ourselves (ie: not enough, not worthy etc) could possibly be wrong. What you’re being told externally: “you look beautiful.” “You did a great job.” “You’re amazing!” etc, is not matching how you believe inside therefore you feel uncomfortable receiving the compliments and praises straight up. Your brain is going to try hard to convince you that your belief about yourself is correct even though it’s really not serving you!
Yikes! Don’t think too highly of me! I may soon mess up!
Oh yeah, the Fear! What does it mean to accept compliments and praises? When someone says “Oh wow, you did an amazing job acing that test!”, you may say “oh it was just a good day, I just got lucky.” instead of admitting you studied for it and you were repared. Why do we do that? Well, once you accept you actually did that, it means you have to do it again and meet the expectation of others and yourself. Are you afraid you might not meet that expectation? Have you been told “Oh, don’t aim high so that you won’t be disappointed when you don’t get there.”? Those things that you might have heard in your childhood could cause us to stay in the safe zone and not expect too high. If you’re not aiming high, then you’re off the hook of the high expectation, right? Something to think about, isn’t it?
I don’t want to appear boastful.:
Have you been taught to be humble? I have. Ever since I was little, my parents told us kids, “Don’t be boastful. Don’t think too highly of yourself.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but being a Japanese national, I believe Japanese people may struggle with this like me. We are taught to be “humble” at home as well as at school. I personally was told not to stick out as it said “The nail that sticks out must be hammered down.” That included not to be boastful or be too confident. For this reason, I had a hard time saying “Thank you, I accept.” to the compliments I received.
So then how can we accept compliments and praises from others more easily?
I know it’s not easy especially if you’re so used to rejecting all the amazing compliments you’ve received!!
Resist the temptation to say “Oh no, I’m not….” and instead say “Thank you!”
You don’t want to call your friend (or whoever is giving you the compliments) a liar, do you? If you deny their compliments, essentially that’s what you’re saying. Even if you think the person is telling you the compliment just to make you feel better, so what? She or he is giving you a compliment, take it at face value and accept it graciously.
Work on changing the negative thoughts that are keeping you from accepting the compliments & praises.
As I mentioned earlier, the big reason we cannot accept compliments and praises stems from low self-esteem and low self-worth on our part. We don’t need validations to feel good about ourselves yet we still tend to seek them externally. Become aware of your thoughts: what are you saying internally to yourself when you hear the compliment? Really dig deeper than “Oh he’s saying that just to make me happy. He really doesn’t mean it.” How does it make you feel when you say “he’s doesn’t mean it.”? What negative thoughts come up for you? Why is the compliment making you uncomfortable? Ask yourself questions and get to the bottom of your thoughts.
Since everyone has this issue one way or another, I put together a 5-Day Negativity Detox Challenge to start tackling this issue of negative thoughts that limits us! Go to https://mikisturges.com/negativity-detox to get started right away!
Become your best cheerleader. God is always cheering you on, why not you for yourself?
Be kind to yourself, resist the urge to analyze what the complimenter said, or criticize yourself for receiving the compliments. Just take it at face value, and accept it with gratitude. Yeah, gratitude goes a long way!
You know, as I mentioned above, I’ve struggled with this a lot. I know we all do. It’s so much easier to give compliments, so much easier than accepting one! I don’t know about you but when I give compliments to someone, whether “wow, you look beautiful in that dress!” or “Hey I like your nails!” or “You have an amazing talent!” or whatever, I actually mean it. I do. And I think most people do mean it when they compliment you. So just take it, accept it for what it is and be grateful someone noticed it and was impressed enough to give you a compliment. <3